A physician was on trial for murder. There was strong circumstantial evidence indicating guilt, but no corpse had been found. In the defense's closing statement, the lawyer, knowing his client would probably be convicted, decided to try a trick.
"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom!"
He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all eagerly looked. A minute passed. Nothing happened. Then two minutes. Then three minutes. And ultimately, 10 minutes.
Finally, the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you—there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed. Therefore, the only logical verdict is not guilty!"
With that, the jury retired to deliberate. But after only a few minutes, they returned. The judge asked if they had reached a verdict. The foreman of the jury said, "We have your honor. We unanimously find the defendant guilty of murder in the first degree."
"But how?" the lawyer asked. "You must have had some doubt. I saw all of you stare at the door."
"Oh, yes," the jury foreman replied. "We all looked—but your client didn't!"
Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor, and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100 percent.
The elderly gentleman returned to the doctor after a month, and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must really be pleased you can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
A rather senile old lady went to her doctor complaining of draining and a feeling of fullness in her ear. After the examination, the doctor initiated a conversation that went as follows:
Doctor: Why madam, I think you have a suppository in your ear.
Doctor: Madam, you have a SUPPOSITORY in your EAR!
Doctor (shouting): IN YOUR EAR! A SUPPOSITORY!!!
Lady: Oh, thank goodness! Now I know where I put my hearing aid!
A client of a hospital where brain transplants were performed asked about the prices. The doctor said, "Well, this PhD brain costs $10,000. This brain belonged to a NASA top scientist and costs $15,000. Here we have a politician's brain as well. It costs $50,000."
The client asked, "What? How's that possible?"
The doctor replied, "You see, it's totally unused."
Returning home from work, a nurse was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the woman ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog and then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!"
A man of questionable character walks up to a beautiful, voluptuous woman and asks, "Would you sleep with me for $1 million?"
She responds, "For $1 million, of course I would."
"Would you sleep with me for $5?" he asks.
"Five DOLLARS?! What kind of girl do you take me for?" she quips.
"We already established what kind of girl you are," he says. "Now we are just haggling about the price."
The day finally arrives: Forrest Gump dies and goes to heaven. The gatekeeper meets him at the gates of heaven and says, "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must inform you that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance exam to everyone. The test is fairly short, but you need to pass before you can get into heaven."
Forrest responds, "It shore is good to be here. I was looking forward to this. Nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. Shore hope the test ain't too hard; life was a big enough test as it was."
The gatekeeper goes on, "Yes, I know, Forrest. But the test I have has only three questions. Here is the first: What days of the week begin with the letter 'T'? Second, how many seconds are in a year? Third, what is God's first name?"
Forrest goes away to think the questions over. He returns the next day and goes up to the gatekeeper to answer the exam questions. The gatekeeper waves him up and asks, "Now that you’ve had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."
Forrest says, "Well, the first one, how many days of the week begin with the letter 'T'? Shucks, that one's easy; that'd be today and tomorrow."
The gatekeeper's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forrest! That’s not what I was thinking....but you do have a point, and I guess I didn't specify, so I'll give you credit for that answer. How about the next one? How many seconds in a year?"
"Now that one's harder," says Forrest. "But, I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be 12."
Astounded, the gatekeeper says, "Twelve! Twelve! Forrest, how could you come up with 12 seconds in a year?"
Forrest says, "Shucks, there gotta be 12: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd..."
"Hold it," interrupts the gatekeeper. "I see where you're going with it. And I guess I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind. I'll give you credit for that one, too. Let's go on with the next and final question. Can you tell me God’s first name?"
Forrest says, "Well, shore, I know God's first name. Everybody knows it. It's Howard."
"Howard?" screeches the gatekeeper. "What makes you think it's Howard?"
Forrest answers, "It's in the prayer."
"The prayer?" asks the gatekeeper. "Which prayer?"
"You know, the Lord's Prayer," responds Forrest. "Our Father, which art in Heaven, Howard be thy name...
A pastor woke up Sunday morning to an exceptionally beautiful, sunny spring day. He decided he just had to play golf. So he told the associate pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to give the sermon that day. As soon as the associate pastor left the room, the pastor headed to a golf course about 40 miles away. This way, he knew he wouldn't encounter a member of his congregation.
Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone was in church. At about this time, St. Peter leaned toward the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?"
The Lord sighed and said, "No, I guess not."
Just then the cleric hit the ball, and it tracked straight toward the pin. The golf ball hit the green and began rolling toward the hole. Then, miraculously, it fell into the hole. It was a 450-yard hole-in-one!
St. Peter was shocked. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?"
The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"
Taking advantage of a balmy day in Minnesota, a pastor and three other men of the cloth swapped their clerical garb for polo shirts and khaki shorts and went to the golf course. After several wayward shots, their caddy asked them, "You guys wouldn't be preachers, by any chance?"
"Yes, we are," one cleric replied. "How did you know?"
"Easy," said the caddy. "I've never seen such bad golf and heard such clean language!"
Pastor Trueblood was playing golf with a member of his congregation. On the first hole, he sliced into the rough. His opponent heard him mutter, "Hoover!" under his breath.
On the second hole, the ball went straight into a water hazard. "Hoover!" he muttered again, a little louder this time.
On the third hole, a miracle occurred, and Pastor Trueblood's drive landed on the green only six inches from the hole. "Praise the Lord!" he said triumphantly.
He carefully lined up the putt and tapped the ball, but the golf ball curved around the back of the hole instead of going in. "HOOVER!" he cried. By this time, his opponent couldn't withhold his curiosity any longer and asked why the pastor said "Hoover."
"It's the biggest dam I know," he replied.
An old farmer was talking to his neighbor about how one can discern when aging occurs. Inevitably, they came to the topic of micturition. "One telltale sign is forgetting to zip up your pants after having a good pee," said the neighbor as he casually checked the position of his zipper.
The farmer smiled as he commented, "Yeah. First ya ferget to zip up, and then ya ferget to zip down."