Anyone can practice veterinary medicine. There's no education necessary! At least, that is what many of my clients seem to
think as they tell me what to do and how to do it.
That attitude used to bother me. Not any more. In fact, I'm working on a plan to let my clients fulfill their dreams. I call
it the "U-treat It Veterinary Center."
For a flat fee, anyone will be able to rent one of my exam rooms for 15 minutes. They get to wear a white coat, play with
all the instruments and examine their own dog or cat. Vending machines will be available to dispense other materials. Need
latex gloves? Put in your credit card. Want some Q-tips? Get out the plastic again. Want to practice and don't have a pet
of your own? No problem! We will have rental dogs and cats available.
Automated cameras will monitor each room and take memorable photographs of the client's veterinary experience. Packages of
these priceless images will be available at our image desk. (It is conveniently located right next to the gift shop.)
Several large posters showing veterinarians in action will be set up in the hallway. Each will have an open space where the
practitioner's face would be. My clients will be able to stick their head in and get a photo of themselves treating President
Obama's dog or doing a rectal on an elephant.
Children will be welcome at the U-treat It Center too because we will have the Kidz Zone, a veterinary play land with exam
tables to swing on and dozen of doors and drawers to open.
After this new venture becomes a huge success, which it undoubtedly will, I plan to open an even more modern version called
Virtual Vet. Why would anyone want to get their hands dirty, or put up with awful odors associated with real animals and their
diseases? At Virtual Vet you get to practice on one of our cyber pets. The animal and the medical history appear on a large
monitor in the holographic exam room. You can choose our cat Pixel or our dog Sirius. Be careful! He bytes! (Sorry, I couldn't
There will be a wide selection of laboratory tests available. Whether they are treating their own pet, a rental animal or
one of our cyber substitutes, assistance will be provided by one of our virtual vets. Participants may choose to consult with
Dr. Data or our virtual colleague Dr. Google.
For $10, the virtual vet will listen patiently to all their ideas, help them interpret test results and render an accurate
diagnosis. However, most people will want to put in an extra five bucks. That will program our holographic colleague to agree
with everything they say, right or wrong.