I don't miss the good old days of being on call, but I did learn a lot about people. For one thing, frantic callers often
seemed more concerned about their furniture than their pet. A routine declaw became an emergency procedure if new furniture
was on the way, and new carpets could transform occasional urinary incontinence of three years' duration into an immediate
Mrs. Whey is a prime example. Mrs. Whey has the only dog in the world who practices voodoo. There is no sticking of pins into
little dolls—this technique is much more graphic. You see, in the living room, Mrs. Whey has a large hooked rug depicting
a map of the United States. And whenever Bombsa gets diarrhea, she becomes an extraordinary bombardier.
Two weeks after Bombsa targeted Louisiana, Hurricane Katrina hit. Five years later, one poop on the Gulf Coast brought about
the biggest oil spill in history. I suspect that a few drops may have hit Philadelphia at some point, thus explaining the
Eagles' dismal football record.
At any rate, Mrs. Whey's concern was always for the well-being of that geographic carpet and not the pooch, whose health seemed
to be the least of her concerns.
Personally, I would prefer emergency calls to involve actual emergencies. I see no reason to panic if Muffin runs out of vitamins
or someone needs advice on how to trim Jack's toenails. However, we sometimes do a great service to our clients by simply
talking to them over the phone. Such was the case many years ago when Rhoda Gravure called me late at night.
"Doctor, I'm worried sick," she said. "Andy was in a fight with a wolf, and he's hurt. I just can't get to sleep because I'm
so worried about him."
The situation was confusing—Mrs. Gravure doesn't own a dog. "Oh, it's not my dog," she replied. "It's Mark Trail's dog in
the funny papers."
I was, of course, able to predict an uneventful recovery for the famous bowwow and calm her.
By the way, last week Bombsa Whey was in my office for routine vaccinations. The rug soiling was no longer a problem. "Oh,
she still has occasional diarrhea," Mrs. Whey announced. "But I'm making a new hooked rug—with a picture of my ex-husband."
Dr. Michael Obenski owns Allentown Clinic for Cats in Allentown, Pa.